My state has been experiencing severe fires EVERYWHERE. It’s kinda scary how many have occured already….
Some are in my real dad’s area….I feel like something is wrong with me because I don’t wish he would burn. I don’t wish that the fire would kill him. I’m not even sure I wish that his house would burn (although it should with all the things he’s stolen and all the pain he’s caused). I feel sorry for him even after everything he’s done….Why? Because….
He has lost his son and his daughter. He has lost the two best things he will ever get…He has no one who truely loves and cares about him. No one who will EVER give him undenying love. Not even his parents truely love him. All of the family on his side do not know what love is. It is money in their eyes. It is slavery. It is just this cycle that continues till someone breaks the chain. They will write you off on the simpliest things. (I know because they wrote me off the “family” when I was 13).
Being his daughter, it’s engraved into my heart to “love” him or any family who has ever hurt me. Although they have written me off and want nothing to do with me for standing up against someone who has violated me, I still love them…Even through all the dirty looks, the hate mail, the phone calls of them cursing at me, and the horrible text messages, somehow, I still love them.
Recently, I think I have realized that I forgive them as well…Including my real dad.
I’ve been contemplating on this for years….How can I forgive someone who has hurt me so much? How could I forgive the one who raped me? The one who is supposed to be a person of trust? The people who were supposed to protect me?
The answer was simple, forgive for yourself. Not for them. Forgive so you are not filled with anger and hatred. Forgive so you can move forward.
I have realized that I have forgiven and am now finally moving forward. These past few years it has always been three steps forward, two steps back. I was sinking into a quick sand trap of anger. Now that I have forgiven, I feel like this chain is broken. I feel like I’m no longer a victim. Even though I have been away from it all for a few years now, I still felt like a victim. I still felt violated….every day. I still felt like I was in this trap. Recently, I realized, I don’t want to feel like a victim anymore. I realized the only way out is to forgive..
It was not easy and it took time….years. But I feel like now I am finally free. I don’t know how else to put it.
A few years ago I learned what love is and love is forgiveness. Love is forgiving no matter how hard and difficult it may be.
Is it a strength or a weakness? I have struggled trying to figure it out. I think to myself, “How can I still love someone even after everything they have ever done?” But for once….I’ve realized that it is a strength. It is a strength to forgive and love someone no matter what they have done.
I’ve been remembering so many painful memories lately, some extremely hard to cope with on my own shoulders and this is what led me to forgive.
Memories of being locked in the closet under the stairs all night. Memories of having a gun pointed to my head and that fear coming back. Memories of being threatened for saying anything. So many memories I don’t really feel like sharing at the moment.
But one thing I’ve realized.
I’m moving forward. I’m finally moving forward. I don’t feel so chained to my past now. I don’t feel this huge weight on my shoulders anymore. This is why I’m so excited about the future. I’m excited to have a life and move forward from this. It’s a really powerful thing.
I have learned unconditional love. With this, this makes my heart stronger. I feel like a soldier in gold plated armor. I feel this strength I’ve never ever felt before.
I’m excited to start my life. I’m excited to go to college, get married and start a family of my own. I’m excited to be closing this chapter of my life.
I want to move forward to better things.
I’m excited to have a new family who actually loves and cares about me.
Recently I’ve realized that my dad’s side of the family isn’t worth grieving about. I need to learn that they were just a part of my life for a little while.
I’ve realized that my boyfriend’s family truely loves me for me.
I don’t have to be some slave. I don’t have to worry about buying them gifts for them to love me. I DON’T have to worry that they will put a gun to my head or that I have to keep some terrible secret.
I’m happy because they are truely what love is. They love me for who I am. They have so to speak, filled in the gap of my real dad’s family and given me more than what my real dad’s family could of ever given me.
I’m excited to be a part of my boyfriend’s family.
Maybe it won’t be official for a few years but in my heart, it is already.
I’m happy and very blessed that I am given such a new family that is so amazing it takes all the bad away.